Not Everyone You Lose Is A Loss

Throughout life, you meet all kinds of different people. Some just come and go, but some leave footprints on your heart forever. The problem is that as you grow up, people change. Two people can be incredibly close, but they often develop in different dirctions and sometimes, it just doesn’t fit anymore. And let’s be honest, the people you end up splitting from, are those who you’re mother was right about, all along.

When you’re young, you just don’t see it. It’s usually about enjoying yourself and having the time of your life. And we all know that toxic people can often be the most fun to be around. But I feel like the older you get, other things in life just become more important and I want to be around people, who I can trust. Friendship should always be a two-way street. A concept not everyone understands.

Pfeiffer Beach Big Sur

For the longest time, I’ve tried my hardest to hang on to friendships that once meant the world to me. I was always the one who tried to keep everyone together. My friends mean everything to me and I would do anything for them. But when you realize that some of them never really appreciate all that you do and never give anything back, it’s time to let go.

Four years ago, I left the country for a year and that really showed me, who cares and who doesn’t – so I thought. Interestingly, most people close to my heart were amazing throughout the whole year, but once I got back, it’s like some of them didn’t care one bit. I guess having someone close requires more effort. So some friendships definitely ended. I prefer having a few amazing ones over having a ton of fakes.

Because let’s be honest, if someone wants to meet up, they will try and make it happen. They won’t just say it and propose something concrete, instead. Sure, I have my weeks, where I don’t want to see anybody, but when I invite someone several times and they can never make it, I won’t try, anymore. I’m tired of always having to decide everything. I’m tired that I always have to take initiative. Once in a while, it would be nice to just be invited and that’s it. So yeah, if you really are serious about spending time with me, make an effort, cause I’m over it.

friendship

It hurts, because the great memories stay and tend to disguise the truth. Some people are just not worth hanging on to, as awful as it sounds. But if somebody simply doesn’t care about being a good friend, you just got to let them go. For your own peace of mind.

So yeah, I’ve let go of a fair amount of people and I’m pretty sure that some more will follow. I’m over all the bullshit. I’m over people, who don’t know what loyalty means, who would stab you in the back and who are just mean-spirited. If you never do anything for others and still act like a total bitch, you’re sure not worth being called a friend and losing you is not a loss. Cherish the good people in your life and let go of the rest.

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Things I Miss About School

Never in a million years would I have thought that there was anything I miss about school. I’ve went to a total of four and even though there were great things, I also have bad memories connected to each one of them. I never really fitted in anywhere, which can be hard. Still, I wanted to focus on the positive aspects of my fourteen years of school, although, I did focus most on the last school I went to, in order to finish my A-levels. I graduated ten years ago, which is insane, but have no problems remembering everything.

Mx first day of school

All the vacation time. Summer, winter, Easter, Christmas – it was amazing.
Seeing my friends every day.
My parents pretty much took care of all the important things in life.
I didn’t really have a care in the world and it was ok.
Classes like music, english, gym (yes, you read that right).
Passing little notes in class.
Lots and lots of public holiday’s and getting the in-between-days off, as well.
School trips. I mean, we once went to Tuscany. So fun.
Lots and lots of parties.
Those moments, when the TV got rolled into the classroom.
I was forced to actually read amazing pieces of literature.
When mom picked me up with a heated car, on a cold winter day.
The future was still all in front of me.
There was always some gossip going around. And trust me, a lot of it was about me.
Bus rides with my best friend.
The school kiosk always had yummy things.
You get away with stupid things.
How you could fix a bad grade by voluntarily giving a presentation that you have a great time preparing, cause you do it with a friend.
My beautifully decorated planners, which were more for memorizing parties than homework.
Singing in school band or choir.
“I have to study/do homework” was always a great excuse to get out of doing chores.
When you were old enough to call in sick, yourself.
Doing absolutely nothing during free periods.
Skipping math cause of a “headache”
When you did really well on an exam.
The weeks leading up to graduation.
Being rewarded by my parents for good work.
Those teachers, who are just super chill.
Crushing on a million guys and gushing about it with my bestie.
Giving everyone nicknames, so you can talk freely.
When someone brought cake.
Mom always packed my lunch.
Actually having the motivation to put together nice outfits and not looking like trash, every day.

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Hi, I’m Hailey, and I’m addicted to buying stationery…

I’m sure that a lot of people will know what I’m talking about, when I say that stationery is just one of the greatest things in the world and that I am addicted to buying it. Honestly, I can leave a pair of shoes in the store, but a pretty new notebook to go with all the other notebooks, I’ve never used? It’s coming home with me.

However, I do feel like I’ve gotten a bit better with the craziness, but I still buy a lot of it. Notebooks, paper clips, pens, washi tape, sticky notes – if I would take pictures of all the things I own, I’m sure you’d feel better about your collection, cause trust me, you are not alone. Nowadays, I mostly buy with the intention of using it for work. Sure, it’s an excuse, although I do use a fair amount at the office, but my drawers are fuller than needed.

So let me tell you a little story about my craziness. A few years ago, I wanted to visit a specific store and go a little wild in the stationery department. It’s like an 1,5 hour drive, which is a lot for just one store. I was visiting my grandma and she lives a little closer to it than I do. Not much but every mile counts, right? So I was just feeling like spending all of my money on things I don’t really need and went for it. It was one of the most stressful trips of my life.

Cute Stationery

It started off with my not working navigation system. Cause back then, Google Maps wasn’t really on my radar, yet. So I just drove, as it turns out, in the wrong direction. Stupid me! So I called my dad and he told me where to go. At that point, I was already so frustrated that I kinda planned on driving back to my Grandma and just give up on it. But I didn’t.

Unfortunately, the weather sucked big time, it started to get dark sooo early and rush hour in a city is not fun at all. And when I was almost there, my navigation system, which, at some point, started working again, waited for the last direction to fool me again. That lead to me having to drive through the busy city and turn and turn and turn and get more and more stressed, every few seconds. Boy, did I regret that trip.

At some point, I ended up in some dead-end street and I just parked there and headed for the store. Since I didn’t know, whether or not it was allowed to park there, I was afraid that my car would be towed. So, I jogged. Yes, I JOGGED! I asked random people a couple of times for directions and eventually made it to the store. At that point, I wasn’t even excited anymore. A part of me just wanted to drive home, but now that I had made it, that would have been really stupid. I entered, all hot and sweaty, and I just rushed through it. Seriously, I grabbed a cart and just threw everything into it. I really didn’t enjoy it and I didn’t think about what I was buying.

Cute Stationery

Of course, this lead to a pretty large sum for some stationery. I was in and out of that store in about 25 minutes. Definitely not more. I had imagined like an hour of roaming around the store, having fun, picking out pretty things but nooo, it was all in a rush. And when I left the store, I realized that I wasn’t far away from my car. Definitely a good thing, but when I was looking for the store, I totally jogged my way through the streets, in a circle. I was so glad when I was back in my car. It wasn’t towed and I headed for my grandma’s sofa.

The funniest thing was my her reaction when she saw what I bought. She was like “Whaaat? You drove all the way for stationery??? I thought you found awesome shoes or a great jacket that you can only get in that city.” Ummm, no. I do these things for stationery. It’s ridiculous.

So yeah, I’m not kidding around when it comes to stationery. But I guess the point really isn’t whether or not you need it. It’s just pretty and I kind of collect it. I certainly have a collection of pens and pencils from all around the world and I try not to mess them up while using, as much as possible. I still have some from when I was a child and they truly make me happy.

Cute Stationery

And I do plan on using all of my notebooks. But there is just so much I can write to fill them up. They are all just so pretty and I always think hard about what to use them for. I want it to be somehow meaningful. Some of mine are actually hidden in my room and I would die, if anyone found and read them. I should get a safe. I never put down my name, though, which is kind of stupid, in case I lose it, but I just can’t.

My Grandma always says that she remembers me sitting somewhere, writing in a notebook, since I was a little girl. I’ve really done it all my life and I love that I still have really old ones. I always carry at least one notebook with me. I have to write down every idea, important or not. When I’m bored, before I go to sleep, in waiting rooms, during TV shows – pretty much anywhere and anytime.

Believe it or not, for work, I actually use plain and simple black ones from Moleskine. But that’s seriously my limit of professionalism. I guess it doesn’t really make sense when I pull them out of my Disney backpack, but so far, nobody has taken me seriously, any less. Most journalists are somewhat crazy, anyway. But my black notebooks, which I started using at my very first internship, just give me that work feeling, as stupid as it may sound.

Anyway, I wanted to share a bit of my obsession, although I won’t give exact details of how much unused stationery I actually own. I still plan on using all of it though, and I have a lifetime to succeed. But in case you have any great websites that I just have to check out, let me know. And before I forget, to-do-lists make me incredibly happy.

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Losing Yourself

Alone in the dark
You cry silent tears
When no one can see you
You live through your fears

You want to run away
But you have no place to go
So you wear bright lipstick
And put on a show

When asking for help
Feels like you’ve failed
When you were looking for love
But everyone bailed

Rejection hurts
It breaks your heart
It feels like your whole world
Is falling apart

Stuck in reverse
Not knowing which path is right
Where is the future
You imagined so bright

You look in the mirror
And don’t recognize the person you see
I hate to admit
That this person is me

dark thoughts

Just for the record, I am currently not in this state of mind, although I can still somehow relate to the words, since I wrote them at some point in my life. I just found it on my computer and thought, I would share it, since I actually love my poems.

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A-Z Au Pair Edition

Four years ago, I sat on a plane that took me to the United States, in order to work as an au pair. I was 26 and rather an oldie among all these really young girls, but that was never a problem. I stayed with my host family in San Francisco and took care of an adorable baby girl, who was only three months old, when I started. I’ve written about my experiences before (Check out 365 Days As An Au Pair) and thought, I would put together a little A-Z, to give you an overview of the job. I’m sure that many young people are interested in becoming an au pair, so this may help you get started.

San Francisco Hippie Swing

Au Pair – As an au pair, you usually travel to another country and live there with a family and take care of their kids. It is cheap labour and don’t let them fool you into believing it’s a cultural exchange program. It highly depends on your host family, if you have a proper cultural experience, but you still work a lot. It’s a great experience, though.

Baby – As I mentioned above, I took care of the cutest little baby and that was basically a luxury. But I guess every au pair chooses what he or she get’s herself into. I wasn’t feeling taking care of five kids or so. However, I could’ve taken on more, but this family just seemed like a good fit.

Cultural Care – This was my agency and I think, it’s pretty much the biggest one. My experience with them was mostly good and I had absolutely no problem with families wanting me. I had a lot to choose from, which was amazing, because I think it’s important to wait for the right one to come along.

Daily Routine – With a baby, the days were pretty much always the same, although I always tried to change it up. I did so much with her, like go swimming, have playdates, go to the playground, take her shopping… Her parents fully trusted me and I was able to take her anywhere. We developed our own little routines, but it never really got bored. We also took a lot of naps together.

Education – Well, as an au pair, you’re supposed to take some college classes or something similar. I didn’t really have time for it, but I did an au pair course that included travelling to LA and exploring the city and I also took an ESL class at college, which was ridiculous, since my English is pretty much perfect. But I needed more credits to successfully finish the au pair program.

Friends – I’ve met some incredible people and we definitely had a good time. I’m still in contact with a few of the girls and it’s amazing, cause we shared so many special moments. One of them even came to my 30th birthday party and I visited another one in her home country Denmark.

Au Pair Training School

Goodbyes – Saying goodbye is always so hard. Leaving my friends and family was difficult, especially, cause I never really planned on coming back. I remember saying goodbye to my god son, who was three at the time, and it nearly broke my heart. And then leaving my host family and this special little girl, when I actually did go back, was heartbreaking, as well. I really hope to visit them, in the next couple of years.

Host parents – My host parents were only a few years older than me, so that was actually pretty cool. We got along very well and I was especially close with the mom. I loved our little chill nights with take-out food and movies. Also, my friends and family were always allowed to stay over and they trusted me 100%. which is super important.

Information – If you plan on becoming an au pair, make sure to get as much information, as possible. It’s always a good idea to be prepared. Gather information about all the agencies, the job, the place you’re going to live etc.

Joy – I admit, that year sure wasn’t always easy, but there were many moments that gave me so much joy and today, I love looking back.

Kids – You know, I always said I didn’t like kids, but I am pretty amazing with them. And no matter if my host child or other kids I’ve watched, we always had a blast. People literally throw their kids at me left and right, and as long as I can give them back, I’ll take it. It’s amazing though, how much love those little monster give back.

Lifestyle – My life in San Francisco was just so different. I often miss living in such an amazing city, where you can just do anything. There is always something to do and I loved stopping by Starbucks or the Disney Store, go to the beach, if I want to, go shopping on Sunday’s. I also travelled a lot more and just experienced great things. I don’t really miss taking care of a child, but I’d take the rest.

Money – As an au pair, you don’t really get rich, but since you don’t have to pay rent or groceries, you have the money you earn, all for amusement. I tried to travel, as much as possible, and it was great. And If you travel with your host family, they have to pay for everything. It could definitely be worse.

Yosemite National Park

Nanny – A nanny is different from an au pair, but not many people get it. As an au pair, you don’t have the possibility to differentiate much between work and your free time. Sure, after work, I was able to do whatever I want, but you’re still in the house, with the family and the kid, so it’s just different and you’re somehow always involved. But being a part of the family is actually important, so it mostly never bothered me.

Opportunity – Living abroad for a year, no matter the reason, is always a good idea. It expands your horizon and that is never a bad thing.

Playground – I spent so many hours on different playgrounds. It’s definitely the most important thing when you work with kids. And I put my baby girl in a swing for the first time, when she was only a few months old, and she absolutely loved it. I will never forget these moments,

Questions – Always ask as many questions as possible and don’t be afraid of it. You can only make good decisions, when you have all the information you need.

Reponsibility – When I told everyone what I was doing, they didn’t really belive I had what it takes. Taking care of a child, especially at such a young age, is a huge responsibility. I would never take on something like this, if I wasn’t sure, I could handle it. I just think that if you decide to do something like this, make sure you’re ready.

Shopping – Shopping is just so much better in the US. I especially miss the shops being open on Sunday’s. That was always my perfect shopping day. And I definitely miss Target, the Disney Store and Victoria’s Secret. It was not easy getting all the stuff I bought in a year home. But I managed and now, I live in my personal Disneyland.

Travel – One of the best parts about the whole experience was definitely travelling. I’ve tried to see as much as possible and after my year was done, I did a whole travel month and it was the greatest experience of my life. It’s so much more affordable, when you don’t have to pay for an international flight. I’ve seen beautiful places, all across the country.

Facebook Silicon Valley

USA – I’m sure the most popular country for au pairs are the US and that’s were I went, as well. I had a million reasons why I wanted to go back there and enjoyed it a lot. It did change my thoughts about it, though. You just really see things differently as a grown up. I will forever have a special connection to the US, though.

Visa – Well, this is probably obvious, but you need one. And don’t even try your way around or to go without an agency, cause it’s illegal.

Work – Despite what anyone says, it is work. Hard work. It’s a special kind of work, but don’t fool yourselves into believing that a year as an au pair feels like you’re on holiday.

X-Mas – I always wanted to spend a traditional Christmas in the US, but I didn’t. I actually went back to Germany for the holiday’s, and the flight was incredibly expensive, but it was still nice to be with friends and family. It wasn’t planned, but I will spare you the details of why I had to go. I still enjoyed picking out a Christmas tree though, doing my shopping for presents, getting my own stocking… One day, I will experience a true American Christmas, though.

Young – Most au pairs are super young. They’re between 18 and 20, while I was 26. I decided to do it after graduating from University, cause I was mature enough to take on that kind of responsibility. I never had a problem with being friends with younger people, though. I’m not much of a party girl anymore, who has to drink, every weekend, so having friends under 21 was absolutely ok.

Zzzzs – The job can be tiring. I worked ten hour shifts and I always looked highly forward to the weekends and a good sleep in.

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