By now, we’ve probably established that Tinder is not really for me. I still have the app on my phone and I swipe through it, but I hardly ever swipe right on someone. So many weirdos out there. I would probably be more open to the whole thing in a big city where I don’t know people and people don’t know me. Seriously, finding someone for the real deal on Tinder is probably almost impossible and casually hooking up with someone, when chances are you’ll run into him at the supermarket a week after, isn’t very intriguing. And yes, we all know that I’m a superficial bi*ch with a whole list of no-go’s. So here we go.
1. Your bio is weird as fu**
Yesterday, I read a bio saying “Those who wear sweatpants have lost control over their lives.” What a weirdo. I mean, if you never wear sweatpants, are you even human? And if you don’t like me in sweats, you don’t deserve me anyway. Seriously, people write some crazy stuff into their bios.
2. You’re holding a baby or cuddling an animal
There is this thing with women finding men super attractive when they’re holding a baby or playing with a dog. I don’t dig it. I mean, I actually think that most of these guys probably borrowed child or animal to make them look better. Furthermore, if it’s not just for sex, I don’t want these commitments. Planning around pets and children is really not my thing. So yeah, it doesn’t work for me.
3. You’re surrounded by other girls
What exactly is the point of this? If you’re such a chick magnet, why do you need Tinder? And I don’t care if it’s your sister, mother or best friend, don’t include other women in your dating profile.
4. You’re clearly lying about your age
Have you seen some of these obvious liars? It’s ridiculous. I wish I could just dm them and ask if they really think they can pull it off? Sure, there may be some people in this world that are younger or older than they look but please, if you look like you could almost be my dad and pretend you’re like 29, it’s simply pathetic. And people, don’t tell me age doesn’t matter. I’m 28 and I can’t and don’t want to go out with someone who’s like 18 or 50. I’m not into it.
5. You have a name from my no-go-list
So this might seem a little harsh but there are just some names I cannot handle. Either they remind me of someone or they’re just not acceptable. No, I won’t give examples. I mean, if he’s otherwise perfect, I may try to look past it but in any other case, just no.
6. You don’t have a picture
Seriously, what are you hiding? Tinder isn’t really about the inside of a person. It’s about either liking someone’s face or not.
7. You’re an extreme party goer
I’m not saying you can’t party but if your pictures tell me that it’s all you’ve got to offer, I will have to swipe left. Grow up and get some more hobbies, you’re not a teenager anymore.
8. You’re such a poser
Guys that clearly take too many selfies are not very attractive. Especially when the duckface is involved. And all that muscle flexing in front of mirrors hardly ever catches my attention. Sure, a nice body is great but posing totally kills it.
9. You’re someone I know
You see guys from school, university, your freaking small village and you just think great, never gonna happen. I’m also not a huge fan of you when we know a lot of the same people. Trust me, I have many reasons for this.
10. You live too far away
What is the point? Most people on Tinder are probably looking for a hookup. Like I’m gonna drive an hour or two for that. In your dreams, babe.
PS: This is probably my way of boycotting every chance of getting to know someone.