Usually, I think about a good opening sentence. You want people to be interested. You want them to continue reading. Well, today it’s simple. My life sucks. There, that’s my sentence. There is nothing else that I can say right now and I don’t even want to try to describe it with pretty words. It’s impossible. My life sucks.
Yes, I know. Life is a roller coaster and it comes with ups and downs, no matter what. And yes, there are always people who have bigger problems than you do. But this is my life, these are my problems, my feelings and I have to deal with my situation and nobody else.
There are different reasons for making you feel bad. Things happen or they don’t and some of them you will never understand or be able to influence. Don’t let people tell you that it is all in your hands and that you always have a choice to make the best of something because often, it’s just not that easy. Not everything is just magically going to turn into something good and not everything will just be alright. Maybe in time it will, but there is no guarantee for it, so stop telling me this.
I was always a very strong-headed person with dreams and goals. I had plans for my life and I always knew exactly how I want it all to turn out. I never wanted anything handed to me on a silver platter because I don’t think that it will be good in the long run, but a little luck here and there wouldn’t be that bad. Unfortunately, there are moments in your life, when everything you see and want, crashes right in front of you and you are left with a feeling of failure and loneliness. No matter how much of a positive person you are, it can happen.
When you begin to realize that things are falling apart, you try to stay positive and you assure yourself that there is a way out. There always is, at least that’s what everyone tells you. But how and where do you find this way and how long will it take to get there? It takes a while to fully realize the whole extent of an uncomfortable situation because you try your absolute hardest to stay in your bubble. You don’t want to admit that you are falling apart and that you’ve lost control of your life.
Last week, I hit rock bottom. I fully realized that I lost control. I was sitting at a table with three very good friends. We were drinking tea, eating ice cream and just chatting about anyone and anything. And while I was listening to them it hit me. I have nothing to bring to the table. I listened to them sharing their construction plans for future houses, talking about kids, while one child was already sitting next to us. I listened to them talking about jobs, holidays and life with their partners. And in between all the exchanged information, I sat there, not sure if I wanted to laugh or cry.
I’ve been single forever and it doesn’t look like it’s going to change in the near future. I don’t have a job and the rejection letters are not really helping with keeping me motivated and on top of it all, I moved back into my mother’s basement. Smalltown life now frustrates me more then ever. Everyone around me is so caught up with their lives that there is hardly any time for me and I’ve honestly never felt so alone. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not jealous. When something great happens in other people’s lives, I’m the first one to cheer and I know that they also have problems they have to deal with. The only difference is, if something goes wrong, they have something else to hold on to and I don’t. And I don’t even want a house or a child. I’m not even sure if I want a partner or if it’s just because it would make me feel a little less alone. I just want a life because what I have right now doesn’t really feel like one.
Last year, I realized that what I had planned for my future doesn’t feel right anymore. Now I kinda know what I want but no clue how to get there without a little bit of luck. It drives me insane and it makes me feel like I failed myself. I don’t regret any decisions that I’ve made in my life, even though they’ve led me here, but I just feel stuck in reverse. Everyone around me is moving forward and my life is standing still. I try to suck it up and I try to motivate myself to try and try again, but I can’t force people to give me a job, to fall in love with me or to just share a little of their time, to make me feel less alone.
I don’t want to be pitied because even though I feel weak, there is still a strong and proud person somewhere inside of me. So I cry silent tears and plaster a smile on my face. I try to convince myself that this is not forever because I know it isn’t. It can’t be. I’m the strong one. I’m the one with hopes and dreams but I am also the one who is breaking inside. I am the one writing this while crying her heart out. I cry all the tears that I try to suppress, every day. I want to feel ok again with being alone, because it was my decision, but I don’t want to feel lonely because life makes me feel that way.
I know that I have to ride the roller coaster and see where it takes me. I know that I have to continue fighting for what I want my life to be like. I know that I can’t give up and trust me, I don’t want to but sometimes, it just seems so much easier. I’m scared. I don’t know what will happen and when something is going to change. I just know that my life right now is not what I want and that if I let depression win, I will not get out of this situation. And this right here is my way of dealing with it. By expressing what feel, I try to let it go.
Life is a roller coaster and I have to find a way to make it bring me to my destination.