The Undateable Girl's Diary

I’m in a relationship with myself. This is what I should answer when people ask me about my love life. And then, I should tell them that it’s non of their business. What annoys me most about the nosiness of others is where this comes from. It comes from a place, where people just expect you to have a partner and it get’s worse, the older you get. I am now 28 and when I tell people I’m happily single, you experience them getting a little nervous, for you. How many times have I heard “You better hurry up then, your clock is ticking.” Dear people, did it ever occur to you that some of us like to be single and even chose to be? It has been my decision for years and trust me, it’s not because I can’t get a guy or hate men. Unfortunately, even though we’re living in the 21st century, it’s still strange to so many people that one is not longing for a relationship, especially when you’re a woman. Some of my friends still don’t get me and can’t get over the fact that I’ve stayed away from guys for six years. For me, it’s not a big deal, for other’s, it’s a stigma because they don’t believe that somebody does not want or need a relationship and assume that something is wrong with you. Well, call me weird as much as you like, but I was never a fan of “the norm.”

I’ve never been someone who talks about having kids or getting married. When you ask me how I see my life, I will tell you that I want to have a career, I want to travel and that I want to be free. Of course, this doesn’t mean you can’t be with someone, but it’s just so much easier when you’re not. Would it be nice to meet someone who shares the exact same values and would be my equal? Of course it would, but in most cases, you will always have to find a compromise and I’m not really a fan of that. I’m still young and I don’t want to compromise my life. I don’t want to make decisions based on who I am with. I don’t want to be held back but I also don’t expect someone to just sit around waiting for me.

I’ve been in relationships before and they never made me happy. Why should I want something that never made me happy and never fulfilled me? And why do I even have to justify being single in my late twenties? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not generally against relationships. I think they’re great if they’re healthy and make you happy, but I’m often better at making myself happy. Furthermore, I don’t want to fall down the relationship-rabbit-hole. The time-consuming, giving up your life, losing your individuality type of rabbit hole. You all know what I’m talking about. It’s when you call your friend and she just can’t ever make time for you because of her partner. When everyone moves in together, builds houses, has children, goes on vacation and everything evolves around the item that is made of two people. Most couples will tell you that they’re still their own person and that they still have they’re own life but they don’t. They think they do but they don’t. There is always a compromise and I’m not really good compromising with. But hey, at least I’m honest about it.

I’m in a relationship with myself. I do Netflix and chill by myself. I go to the movies by myself. I plan trips by myself. Sure, I have my moments when I think it would be nice to have someone to share this with, but I know that it would take a whole lot to sweep me off my feet. I am also used to being alone, which doesn’t make it any easier to fit someone into your life. I know that I can do anything I’ve set my mind on without the help of a man. Yes, hello feminist, but I think there is nothing worse than being dependable on other people because you always relied on others and are not capable of being alone. Honestly, I have trouble even talking to these type of people, although it doesn’t influence me, at all. I feel sorry for them because being alone can be so freaking great, you should definitely try it sometime. What frustrates me the most is that I will never understand how these people can speak of true love and jump into a new relationship, a week later, after it all fell apart, just because they can’t be alone. When I love someone, I love with all my heart and when it ends, I break and need to grief. If you can give your heart to someone a few days later, don’t speak about love. Speak about your unhealthy inability to be alone.

I am also a true believer of only being able to have a healthy relationship, if you know where you stand in life and what makes you, you. If you have it all figured out and you’re happy with the person that you are, only then should be the right time to let love in. I’m not okay with myself and my life right now, and although I’m a little more open to meeting someone than I used to be, I know it comes from the wrong place. It comes from somewhere where I’m bored because I have too much time. I don’t know what to do with myself and everyone around me is in a relationship, building a life, together, while I have nothing to bring to the table. But I know that as soon as I would be back on track, I’d be annoyed as hell because that’s the terrible single-loving person I can be. Unless he’s perfect but there is no such thing. And probably even then, since perfection also bores me.

Relationships are difficult and yet, they can be so easy. They can be loving, caring and fulfilling but they can also break you into a million tiny pieces. They’re unpredictable, exciting and frightening. I admit, I’m afraid to love, to let me fall, to trust. And if the day comes, where I let someone into my life again, me and everyone around me will probably have a heart attack. I like to be single and I like to rebel against what people expect me to be and do. I don’t want the relationships that others have, that’s pretty much the only thing I’m sure of knowing. Time will tell what the future brings and who knows, maybe I’ll be married in five years and have 3 children. Just kidding – like that is ever going to happen.

I am in a relationship with myself and I wear my stigma with pride. I don’t need another you to find myself because I am myself and I like the relationship I have.

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